When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
