Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
