I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
