So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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