6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
