and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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