Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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