You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
