My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
