like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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