Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Send help, water and tortillas.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
