Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize