awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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