If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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