You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize