so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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