I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
