do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
