we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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