be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize