We're like a lot better than the average bears
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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