shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
