My Higher Power is John Stamos
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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