you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
