I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
