He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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