Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
