I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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