eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Hippo gnu deer
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
