Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
