Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
