Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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