My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
