Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
That accounts for only three of the penises
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
