also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
