I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My vagina just clenched in fear
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
