Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
