i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
