I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
