I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
