The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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