if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
