I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
