just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
