you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
