I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sext me about skeletons
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
