A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
