is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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