your parents love me but you hate me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
