Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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