Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
