I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
