i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize