somebody snuck up and got me drunk
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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