Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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