how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
