Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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