he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
where are my eyebrows?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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