I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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