how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
