cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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