i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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